Cornerstone Coaching Archive Contents

May 23, 2000 "Magical" Strategies. Success as Child's Play

Most of us have experienced something called 'magical thinking' as children. These are results strategies, if you will, with no logically apparent cause and effect. Like the kid who thinks if he gets sick his parents will stop fighting, and they do. Or the adage "step on a crack, break your mother's back." That kind of thing.

Many of us have rejected this kind of thinking as adults, as we have embraced science and tidy models of cause and effect. Amazingly enough, with all the incredible scientific theories and universal laws we've discovered, as humans, we still thirst for some other explanation of why things happen the way they do.

Some adults keep a vestige of this magical thinking alive, though they rarely talk about it. It takes the form of "if I can run 5 miles today, I will get that raise at work," or "only the good die young." We may outwardly to scoff at such notions, yet many pay attention just as seriously as to the 'scientific' type: "if you drop an object, gravity makes it fall."

In the case of that last statement, we clearly understand the force that makes the object fall, which may be why we can culturally embrace it. The greatest achievers among us also know that the "magical" connections between certain actions and their subsequent results are worth noting too-- even if they can't explain the force that makes it happen.

If you are interested in learning your unique (maybe very unusual!) results strategies, I suggest you do three things:
1. Daydream and notice the sequence of actions you take therein.
2. Remember Connections between specific actions you've taken and the actual results--paying close attention to the "irrational" ones.
3. Repeat one positive "magical action", while suspending disbelief. Recognize your actual results over the course of several days!

Enjoy the process...

GLOBAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Since we've grown up understanding violence, how can we use that knowledge to completely defeat it?

ORNERSTONE QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

If one’s life purpose is to simplify life, then one must meet with endless complications.

-W. Leitzen

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE May 31, 2000

My favorite line in Mission Impossible II is when Anthony Hopkins says to Tom Cruise after a comment on the difficulty of something; "this is mission impossible, so difficult should be a walk in the park for you."

Wouldn't it be great if we all looked at life like this? What if we already do?

Truth is, we know that 'impossible' doesn't actually show up in the world as what it has been rumored to mean. Throughout history, one impossibility after another has been overcome by human beings with desire. It was once impossible to circle a flat earth, impossible to make a horse-less carriage, impossible to walk on the moon. For you even, it was once impossible to drive a car, have sex, or buy a house. What have your impossibilities proven to be in reality?

One of my clients (and I do have the most amazing clients) created a running "to do" list that she sped through completing. She titled it "the impossible list," and it included all those things she wanted to do that her brain labeled as 'impossible." Thank goodness she didn't believe it! She has since improved every area of her life, and continues to do so with greater clarity and wisdom every day.

How about you...what have you called impossible lately? Want to take a closer look?

GLOBAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

What exactly makes the earth an A+ place to inhabit?

June 6, 2000 a black and white combustible life

Have you ever thought to yourself: "I am overwhelmed at work, I've got to quit"? or "My partner just doesn't appreciate me enough, I have to leave."?

If so, then you are human. But if you found yourself acting on these kinds of ideas, then you are subject to black-and-white thinking.

Every action we take is fueled by something -- an internal source. Actions can be fueled by unmet needs (I need to be appreciated) or reactions (I feel overwhelmed by my job), and more. Taking actions based on needs and reactions is like tossing lumps of lit black coal into in a cold engine. It will definitely cause some kind of change quickly, but is not always safe or effective (clunk. baboom!).

Fortunately we have some other options: if we are willing to apply a little gray matter to our situation. When we make decisions based on integrity (this is the right thing to do); wants (I want to enjoy my relationships); and values (I value ease), we begin to experience more and more fulfilling results. The results come more slowly though, and the internal experience more subtle. It is kind of like feeding a constant stream of good fuel into a slow burning engine-- it gives a good smooth ride for a long time.

So what do you do with a brain built for a black-and-white experience of life? How do you fuel for a smoother future?

Two things you can do right away:

1) Notice your needs, and meet them yourself. Whoever said it had to be that person who smiled at you? get a friggin' mirror! and...

2) Notice your reactions, through your integrity filter: (example: the right thing is to keep my agreements, but I have too much to do. Perhaps I can renegotiate..)

And if this doesn't seem like enough, or isn't fast or dramatic enough for you, tell your B&W brain to take a powder -- you've got some good living to do!

GLOBAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

What often follows when a country reacts to an immediate need?

What determines the overall integrity of a nation?

June 13, 2000 The Best Chinese Restaurant

The best Chinese restaurant in the state* is awash with poster board and awkward English. "No take credit cards," "we no service customers under influence," "no substitutions to chef's delicious menu."

The menu has no less than 70 choices, described in great detail, with still more directions. "No sauce on the side," "this one for a sunny day." One time, I overheard a woman try to place a special order. She was reproached with a stern, yet supportive lecture by the waitress: "we have over 70 delicious choices. If you do not see something you like, please eat elsewhere." She meekly acquiesced and later went on to give a glowing report of her remarkable meal.

Later, when I went to the bathroom and saw yet another sign "do not lean on THIS marble toilet tank," I knew this was an extraordinary place.

This restaurant, which is always busy with joyful diners, is a great example of healthy boundaries and clear communication. There is no mystery as to exactly how one should behave in this establishment. I wondered if this "posted code" would put people off. I couldn't be more wrong... most everyone loves it, and they prove it by returning time and time again.

Just as in life, clear boundaries are often a welcome relief to those who come in contact with you. "No swearing in my presence," "violence is unacceptable," "kind words are a must." These communications may seem pushy at first, but when stated up front, in a non-emotional fashion, they create a specific guideline to let others know exactly how to treat you. Those who care about you will gratefully acquiesce, and those who don't will quickly disappear.

The beautiful thing that happens when you proverbially 'post your code', is that you get to hang out in an environment of happy people. Many of your contacts become delighted by the opportunity to be in your positive presence. And you are that positive presence, because your wishes have been respected, and your creativity has an unobstructed way to pour forth.

So, take a good inventory of those behaviors that can be done in your presence, and those that cannot. Speak your peace early and verbally 'post your code' wherever you go. Then enjoy attracting a full house of quality people, and wow yourselves with your amazing personalities, not repeated grievances.

Want to codify your personal boundaries? Call your coach!

* the restaurant in this article is the Ocean View in Narragansett, RI

GLOBAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Which nation's unspoken code most closely reflects your own?

June 21, 2000 Ritual

Have you ever burned old love letters? Planted a tree for someone? Started a tough day over?

If you have said yes to any of the above, then you have harnessed the power of ritual. Ritual can solidify commitment, accentuate experience, and complete our emotional loose ends. It is way of utilizing all aspects of our being--our intentions, our understanding, our environment and our bodies to intensify and finalize a change.

Can you remember a time that you had an unhealthy relationship and you decided to end it. With decision alone, might you have gone back? Probably yes, because just thinking a solution is a singular weak signal to yourself about your commitment to change. What about if you decided and then told someone else. Was it then easier to follow through? Probably a little easier, because not only your brain knew your decision, but so did your ears (who heard you say it!)

But what absolutely insures your success at putting something behind you-- in a way that your whole being gets a super-strong signal "this is done!"?

Ritual is an intentional, multi-sensory event. It harnesses the power of your mind (which makes decisions about experience), and supercharges it with the power of your body (which is actually doing something to create experience), and your emotions (which have a vivid, discrete memory to associate with your decision). All of these factors create an amazing laser-like signal to you. It is a way that your whole being "gets it" intensely and at once. Rituals, whether institutionalized or made-up, have indeed demarcated our lives

So whether you are cleaning up your house to clean up your life, or kneading your worries into a loaf of bread, or exchanging a ring to elevate a relationship, you are utilizing the great power of ritual. Don't wait for anyone else to feed you a formula. The way that you want to ritualize your life is the right way. The action you choose is itself not of much significance. It is your intention and your attention that creates your personal resolve.

So, is there something in your life that you need to "let go"? Or some adventure on which you are ready to embark? Create a ritual for yourself, and do it today!

Life is too short not to make a big moment. Coaching can help. Call now!

Cornerstone Global Question of the Week:
What have been the most unifying cultural rituals? What components do they share?

June 30, 2000 Love.

Did you have a little wince, or judgement, or funny reaction when you saw that this week's idea was about Love?

If you did, then you are like the majority of intelligent, resourceful people. Even as the author, I felt a little pang of goofiness, and exposure to write about such a topic.... in a professional website no less! (shame, shame)

Why is acceptable and professional to speak at length about results, fulfillment, satisfaction and maybe even "joy," but still not love?

Perhaps a better way to approach this subject would be to ask: what is it that we really need to know about love, and how can we bring more of it into our lives?

In my coaching practice, I have many articulated agreements with my clients: to support them to achieve, to 'be in their corner,' to strategize with them, to empower their vision of the future. And though we don't talk about it, what is at the core of all these things, is a deep sense of love.

How would--or could--anyone spend their life "juice" doing any kind of service if there were not a compelling emotion pushing them forward? Think about it. Why would anyone spend what little time and energy they have to sell books, or serve food to you in a restaurant, or upholster your furniture if it were not for some energy fueling them?

Money can, at best, only measure our movement in love. It can never substitute as the primary mover. History shows us that great things were accomplished long before monetary systems were devised. As for the other great motivator, Survival: what is at the base of that if not a love for self and humanity in general?

Didn't you choose what you are doing in a way because of love? If not love for your 'customers,' then at least love for your family or self? If you keep asking yourself "why?" you are doing anything, and why you are wanting that, and so forth, you will eventually become conscious of your primary mover: your "compelling why."

Tap this and succeed in whatever your endeavor. . . Because when your "compelling why" is understood, the energy to move is always forthcoming. Think of the mother who lifts a car off her trapped infant--- big enough "why" equals big enough results.

So, know your "compelling why," and experience the effortless power you now have deep inside you to accomplish anything. Look it over, and then look under it again. You have chosen wisely, you do have the best intentions, you are a powerhouse. So keep it moving!

Global Question of the Week:In what arenas of life is love most unspoken? What are the results we see in those places?

PHYSICAL LANGUAGE July 10, 2000

Ever been "at a turning point"...
or "turned something around"?
or "shifted your perception"?

Ever have "a quantum leap"...
or "reached new heights"?

Ever "come through"?
... ever "break through"?!

How do these kinds of descriptions differ from "figuring things," "thinking things through" or "finding out"?

Which feels better? Which is more powerful? What kind of language is more likely to move you to action?

Perhaps a little physicality in our language means a lot more than we think.

Voice your thoughts, or maybe even pursue more insight on the matter. Of course, you can always hop to it and use this kind of language to move yourself to act!

What do you want to achieve today?

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