To follow are ten common expressions typically spoken by controlling people that rarely contribute to YOUR quality of life. This list shines a flashlight on ways in which you may have been manipulated, and includes specific tools to set you (and the manipulator) free.

1. "Fake it 'til you make it."

If you need this cliché as a life raft (such as to stop a negative pattern), by all means use it. Just be sure to learn to swim. What it means is: be deceptive. Because deception is inherently weak, this expression is often said by people who want you to fake being like them. Response: "Thank you for sharing."

2. "This is only constructive criticism"

When someone says this to you, realize that there is no such thing. Criticism breaks down and tears apart, whereas construction builds. Response: "What are you trying to construct?" Better Response: "Criticism feels bad to me. No thanks."

3. "Trust Me"

Whenever you hear this, pay attention! It means the person saying it does not believe that they should be trusted, and therefore must make a sales pitch to convince you of their character. Response: "What’s not to trust?!" Better Response: "You want to be trustworthy."

4. "You should be more forgiving."

This usually follows an "offence" by a person who does not want to experience the natural consequences for their action. By discussing your character, they deflect examination of their own, and attempt to control your behavior. Response: "What do you want me to forgive?"

5. "I'm sorry."

How many of us have put ourselves into harm's way again, just because the original action was punctuated by an apology? I suggest here that we look at sincerity of action, and make today's decisions based on rational evaluation of actual history. Response: "What are you going to do to make it right?" Better Response: "Apology accepted" (and make new decisions).

6. "I promise…. " or "I will .…."

If you rely on something as ethereal as another person's intention for your emotional well being, you may find yourself full of anxiety, and your life under another person's control. To free yourself from this pattern, you can look at the promiser's historical rate of follow through and respond appropriately. Response to someone with high rate: "Thank you." To someone with low rate: "So, you want to....."

7. "Later, I will…."

This is the Manyana Story. Don't believe it. If someone won't do that which is important NOW when there is full emotional power behind it, they probably never will. Response: "When exactly?" Better Response: "Thank you for sharing your intention."

8. "I don't want you to think that  ________"

Whatever comes in the blank is the thing that the speaker feels uncomfortable about his/her own actions. Your response: "What do you think about _____?" Better response: "I think I love you."

9. "This is important for you to understand."

This means: I want for you to stand below what I imagine is important so that my values get expressed, not yours. Response: "Thank you for sharing what is important to you."

10. "You should... "

What control list would be complete without the old classic "should"? Response: "Thank you for shoulding on me." Better response: A kind smile, you don't fall for that one anymore...

 

Copyright 2002 By Elizabeth M. Mullen, Life Coach and Transition Specialist. All rights reserved. May be electronically duplicated for not-for-profit use with complete copyright information intact. Contact: www.elizabethmullen.com 

Welcome to my new website and coaching focus. You may notice that I am now highlighting "transition."

After several years of coaching, I've realized that transition (either immediate or desired) is the core of what most people want in their lives... and fear simultaneously.

In order to have what we really want, we must grow adept at the skill of successful change.

Whether you want a more fulfilling relationship, a better job, or to lose weight or find new meaning in life, your success will be 100% tied to your ability to transition well.

This is where I come in.

To those of you who have hired me and visited me online, thank you. Please let your friends, family and colleagues know of this exciting (and affordable) service now available to them.

Enjoy the Idea of the Week, and as always,

Blessings!